My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
