I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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