I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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