im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
