Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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