The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
