You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
