I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
