he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
