Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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