I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
