I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
