How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
