u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
