I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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