I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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