I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
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