i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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