Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
