I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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