Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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