Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
