Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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