dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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