Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Randomize
