New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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