Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
