I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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