I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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