Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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