Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
