did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
