I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
