I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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