Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
