she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
