I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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