if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
