You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
