You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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