everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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