Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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