i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
