sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
