I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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