she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
