Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
