Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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