hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
