remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
